We are a nation more divided than ever. I don’t think I need to cite that statement; we’ve all lived through the last 365 days.
Everyone is hurt, everyone is angry.
There are so many reasons to be: our lives have been upended, we have been shut off from our friends and families for almost a year, we’re sick and dying, we’re losing businesses we’ve spent our lives building, we’re broke while watching the richest amass huge amounts of wealth, we’re being killed by negligent policies and systemic racism, we are under incredible pressure to perform.
I say “we” because as the saying goes, “what’s done to one of us is done to all of us.”
And on top of it all, we can’t agree on anything. Not even a common basis of reality.
Our nation is in the process of exiting an abusive relationship. Donald Trump has abused the entire nation. From marginalized communities to his own supporters.
I say that because I was in one once. I loved that person very much, as I know they did me. I also know that that kind of dynamic makes everyone involved batshit crazy. It will make the most rational person completely irrational. If you’re being abused, at some point you will fight back, probably in dramatic fashion. Who would you be if you didn’t?
As is the case with an abusive relationship, our survival is at stake. As individuals, as communities, and as a democratic nation. The impacts of survival mode are well documented, it’s no wonder we’re acting like it.
As I learned the hard way, the only way to “fix” an abusive relationship is to walk away from it, unequivocally. I will never forget calling the Domestic Abuse Hotline and being told “if you do not walk away, one of you will kill the other.” That is where we are as a nation.
I wish I could say I walked away after that. I didn’t. Though we both tried many times, I wasn’t the one to walk away at all in the end…I held onto a misguided, desperate hope for far too long. It put us both in danger. I won’t make the same mistake twice, and our nation can’t afford it either.
Leaving an abusive relationship is hard. A commonly cited statistic is that on average, a person in an abusive relationship will attempt to leave 7 times before finally leaving for good. That’s why it’s so critically important to make sure Trump and Trumpism are a non-factor in our future society. Trump and those who have enabled him need to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
The Republican Party needs to do whatever they can to re-find their values. While I consider myself liberal, I understand and respect the true values of conservatism. The Republican party of today does not reflect them.
The progressive left needs self reflection as well. The last four years have been an impossible situation. We saw the erosion of our civil rights and our democratic society at the hands of a malignant narcissist. It will continue to be necessary to work vehemently for progress, but it is time to stop fighting *each other.* To stop the purity tests and focus on coalition building. There is a window of opportunity to enact change, and it’s absolutely critical that we stay focused on actions, not anger.
I’m not saying we can’t be angry — it’s necessary and a healthy emotion to acknowledge, in the right way. But a recent study showed that people are more prone to misinformation when they are angry. Anger physically destroys us. There’s also an idea in psychology that you must complete the cycle of emotion to move past it. It’s time to complete the cycle and make sure we do not get stuck in anger.
I also do not reject all radical thinking. We need some radical thinking to make us think creatively. But too far left or too far right are not ideological, they’re just anarchy. We need more uniters than radicals, to effect change with empathy, to work within the system we have, to make an honest effort to move through our anger and focus on our actions. We need to reach out to each other and encourage healing, recognizing that we all need to.
We can disagree strongly and still love each other. Given how vocal I can be, some are surprised to hear I have friends and loved ones on all aspects of the political spectrum. Some who probably wanted to storm the Capitol this week, some who will probably think my plea to heal is pandering and weak, and some who simply do not care or feel that politics affects them. We don’t shy away from politics with each other. We talk about it, we debate, we try to understand *why* we disagree. Then we have a drink together (or five, in the process). And we know when to stop and take a break, and focus on the things we do enjoy together. Even for those who don’t care, we occasionally talk about why I think it’s important to. We meet each other in the middle and we maintain our respect and love for each other. We recognize that we are much more similar than we are different.
The abuse in our nation didn’t start with Trump. Our issues have existed all along. Our country was built on racism. Polarization has been increasing steadily for decades, as has economic inequality. This visualization from 2015 has stuck with me for years:
But Trump and Trumpism have been the most obvious manifestation of it. Sometimes you need things to be thrown into the light to begin to address them.
Personally, I now consider my former relationship to be one of the things I am most grateful for. The work of reflection and processing is hard. I sometimes still feel sad, mad, ashamed, scared — any number of things — but more overwhelmingly I feel grateful to have gotten through it relatively unscathed, to not be in it any longer, and weirdly…that it happened. There are so many lessons I would never have learned otherwise, so many things it showed me about myself. I have the strength of awareness and confidence of knowing I will never let myself be in that situation again. The “me” of today is so much happier for it.
And to be very clear — we both played our roles. That’s the thing about abuse…it destroys everyone and after a while it’s hard to distinguish the root cause. Hurt people hurt people, and we’ve got to stop the cycle before we are stuck in it forever.
When I say the abuse of America, I also mean that we need to stamp out the systems that make our country itself abusive to many. There are people for whom it is not possible to escape abuse. Women, people of color, members of the LGTBQ+ community — all have a harder time finding spaces free of abuse, but none more so than Black people, trans people, and especially Black trans women. Those of us who enjoy relative safety need to make sure we create it for those who do not, and empower them to manifest their own destinies.
It’s our nation’s time to set firm boundaries, process, and end the cycle. There are so many issues that plague our nation, let us heal so that we can address them, together. So that our kids can learn about this time in history books, versus experiencing the same thing for themselves.
Divide and conquer is the oldest tactic in the book. Let’s not fall for it any longer.
Our survival depends on it.
